What, you haven’t heard of the SWPS? It’s kind of like the USPS, except it’s manned by the Southern Weddings girls. Get it?
Oh, you want to start your own post office system? Here’s how to do it, in 15 easy steps:
1. Receive a shipment of juuuust around 10,000 magazines. Find four ladies to push two palettes of said magazines, each weighing two and a half tons, into your office garage. In the rain. Ideally, you’ll find one more lady to document this event.
2. Order shipping supplies off of the USPS (that lesser cousin of the SWPS) website. Have them arrive only to find that they are not, in fact, the exact mailing supplies you are in need of.
3. Send all of your employees out into the greater Chapel Hill area to clean out the four closest USPS locations of all of their medium priority mail boxes and envelopes.
4. Make uber-cute “hello y’all!” nametags for your magazine launch party.
5. Forget to bring them to Atlanta.
6. Repurpose them as mailing labels.
7. Attempt to have five employees log into the same PayPal site at the same time to copy addresses onto mailing labels. Watch as each of them are logged out over and over again throughout the hour it takes to address all of the packages. Shake your fist at PayPal’s security features.
8. Design and order postcards to accompany the magazines. Ship them overnight so that they’ll arrive on the day you need to send out said magazines.
9. Load all of the fulfilled orders into the back of one car and one SUV. Again, make sure you are doing this in the rain.
10. Arrange for your postcards to NOT arrive within the specified day and time, but to arrive 15 minutes after the post office closes for the day. Shake your fist at FedEx.
11. Meet up with your employees first thing in the morning at the nearest USPS. Make sure that it is difficult for your directionally-challenged employees to find so that they are 15 minutes late to the meet-up.
12. Sit on the floor of the post office surrounded by stacks and stacks of mailing envelopes. Form an assembly line, with two employees writing notes and one stuffing notes and sealing envelopes.
13. Brave the stares of the postal service employees and other customers as you wheel your three carts (yes, carts) of packages up to the window.
14. Stand by said window as a disgruntled USPS employee prepares each of your 350+ packages for mailing. Get comfortable; this will take approximately an hour and a half.
15. Drive back to the office and proudly display your receipts from the excursion. Ladybug rainboots optional.
And that’s that! Easy peesy.