Hi, friends! As some of you may know, John’s sister is getting married this weekend!! (Whoo!) There’s much excitement in the air, as well as a flurry of last-minute details (though thankfully, everything is well-organized and under control!). All the buzz has made me think about the flow on my and John’s actual wedding day, and so today, I thought I’d lump a few topics under one post: portraits, timeline, first look, and day-of coordinator. I know some of y’all have had questions about the decisions we’ve made in these areas, so I hope this post is helpful!

Let’s talk timeline first. My best recommendation? Start this early, and add times and details as you confirm them throughout your engagement. I probably made version 1.0 of our timeline eight months ago. It’s since changed many times, and it’s not finalized yet, but it helps to have at least a skeleton of a schedule to refer to when you’re making decisions. Start with the most basic building blocks: When do you have to vacate your venue? When does your ceremony begin? Your vendors will likely help you out as you begin to fill in the details – i.e. your photographer should let you know how long she or he needs for portraits, your hair and makeup people should let you know how long it will take them to prettify the list you provide. If they don’t offer this info, ask! As in most things, never assume you’re on the same page about how things will run – always confirm. One more tip? ALWAYS over estimate how long things will take, especially moving groups of people from one place to another.

Our timeline for September 15 starts at 8:30am, which is when my Mom, sisters, and I will leave our house and head to the hotel where we’ll get ready. From 9:30am to 1pm Tia will be working her hair and makeup magic on my, my bridesmaids, and my Mom. I plan to write more about this part of the morning in a future Emily Plans a Wedding post, so we’ll leave it at that for now! Here’s a peek at the beginnings of our timeline – just a simple Word doc!

At 1:45, I, my bridesmaids, and my immediate family members will have arrived at our portrait location. We’ll cycle through a variety of different groupings while we await the rest of our party. At 2:15, John, his gents, and the rest of his immediate family will have arrived at our portrait location. At this point, we’ll set up our first look.

I use the term “set up” loosely, as I am really not a fan of the elaborately staged first look. In fact, the only thing I really care about is that it is as private as possible. Of course, our photographers (2) and videographers (2) will be in the vicinity, but other than that, we’d like it to be as private as possible. (I know some folks have their bridal parties or families in on the action, and truly, I don’t really care if they’re watching as long as I don’t know they’re watching.) I also really don’t like the whole “tapping on the shoulder” thing, so, depending on what Tanja thinks, we’ll probably just have John waiting, facing the direction I’ll be approaching from, and I’ll walk around the corner towards him. I might start running :)

He & She Photography

Why did we choose to do a first look? The decision was largely based on logistics. We have large families, and we wanted to make sure we had enough time to get all of the important groupings in good light, with minimal stress, and without cramping Tanja’s style. Also? As I’ve mentioned before, I know John is going to be pretty darn nervous on the morning of our wedding, and I think it would be best to vent at least a little of the emotion pre-ceremony so that we can both be present and enjoy it once we’re in the church. It’s not the right choice for everyone, but I believe it is for us!

Before we continue with the timeline, I’d like to mention a brief aside about large group portraits. They’re kind of my thing. As you may recall, a knack for effortless, natural posing was one of my top three critera when it came to choosing our photographer. I love to pin favorite portraits, and some of the photos from my sister’s wedding are some of my lifetime favorites. Because really, though I love the details as much as anyone else, the portraits are what you’ll treasure for the rest of your life, am I right? On that note, here are a few of my favorites:

From top to bottom: Jessica Monnich, Adam Barnes, Tanja Lippert, Adam Barnes

Clearly Tanja is a master at this stuff, so I have no doubt we’ll get exactly what we want. If you’re concerned about your photographer and/or your family members being comfortable with something like this, here are my two best tips: squeeze in much closer than you think is necessary, and make sure people are touching at different points and in different ways – a hand on an elbow there, an interlocked arm there. For more, I really enjoyed this post on relaxed family portraits by photographer Caroline Joy.

But back to the timeline! We’ve allotted an hour for family portraits, and with travel time, we expect to arrive at the chapel at 4pm. At 4:30, our ceremony will begin. Because of all the things we’re planning on packing into our ceremony (see here + here!), we expect it will last about 40 minutes.

We will not be doing a receiving line at the church, and our plan is to basically walk directly out of the church, into our waiting car, and hightail it to the reception location so that Tanja can work her photo magic on the details before our guests arrive at the cocktail hour. Once she’s finished up what she needs to do, we’ll take portraits for approximately half an hour, and then we’ll join our guests for the last half of cocktail hour.

Tanja Lippert. Squeal!!

Our cocktail hour and reception spaces are distinct, so at 6:30, we’ll welcome our guests into the reception tent. We are doing a “grand entrance” with our full bridal party (one of the only things we’ve definitely picked out a song for!), and then we’ll move directly into our first dance from there. Immediately after our first dance my Dad will give his toast, and then the “first course” will be served (for more about our food choices, check out this post!). About an hour later, we’ll cut back in to do our best man and sibling toasts, John and I will speak briefly, and then we’ll do the father daughter/mother son dance before opening up the floor for dancing. After that the only other interruption will be when we cut the cake and share our slideshow, likely around 8:45. Our exit will be at 11pm.

So clearly I’ve thought about this timeline thing. But on the day of the wedding? I don’t want to be thinking about this timeline thing. And that’s where Diana comes in. Diana works with my friend Candice at Jubilee Events, an awesome wedding planning and event design company in Connecticut. Diana is our day-of coordinator, and I’m so grateful that I’ll be able to hand over the reins to someone so competent, kind, and resourceful come September! A planner or coordinator is not in every budget, but I would highly recommend making room for one if you can, and if not, at least arranging a handpicked family member or friend to be the point person on the day of your wedding. As I’m sure you’ve heard before, you want to be able to enjoy your wedding day instead of stressing over whether everything is getting set up correctly and whether little details are being taken care of! I think a day-of coordinator or planner is also a gift to your family and friends – both because you’ll be less stressed, and because it will allow them to relax, as well. A win win!

I think that about wraps things up for this week, friends! Any questions about our timeline or how things will run on our wedding day, just ask!

In case you missed a post…
The main characters | Where we’re getting married | I go dress shopping | We choose a photographer | I ponder bridesmaid style | Mini food! | The music | We’re renting a tent! | We discuss bouquets + boutonnieres | We send out our save the dates | I gather hair and makeup inspiration | We talk cake and sweets | I introduce you to our videographer | We create a registry | We buy a tuxedo | We style a reception | I choose accessories | We take engagement photos! | We plan our ceremony | We discuss ceremony music and readings

Adam Barnes is a fabulous member of our Blue Ribbon Vendor Directory!

Ahh, the wedding toast. In my experience, toasts are either the absolute best and most-memorable part of a wedding (right up there with the vows!), or the worst and most awkward (yikes). Just like most brides have never planned a wedding before, many of your nearest and dearest will have never had occasion to give a toast, so we thought we’d offer up a few etiquette guidelines and a handy dandy cheat sheet of our best toasting tips!

Vitalic Photo via Southern Weddings

Who speaks?
The mic at the wedding is reserved for your VIPs; the rehearsal dinner is a better option for cousins and friends.

In what order do they speak?
Traditionally the host of the evening (usually the father of the bride) kicks things off by welcoming guests and offering a few words. His toast is followed by the best man’s and maid of honor’s. If you have siblings or non-hosting parents that would like to speak, they would go next. To end, it’s nice to wrap things up and direct guests towards the next activity. The father of the bride could step back in and do this, or the groom could say a few words. The bride traditionally does not speak, but many now choose to speak along with their new husbands, or independently.

When do they speak?
Unfortunately (maybe due to a few bad experiences?), many guests dread the toasting portion of the evening, so it’s important to make sure that toasts fit into the overall flow of the evening. For a seated dinner, we recommend having the father of the bride speak before the first course, the best man and maid of honor before the second course, and the bride and groom as the meal is concluding but before guests have gotten up from their seats. For a buffet dinner, it’s best to catch everyone’s attention just after guests have entered the reception space from cocktail hour. You could then do all toasts consecutively, or save half for later, right before or after the bride and groom cut the cake.

Do we need to pour everyone champagne?
No, ma’am! Just asking guests to raise a glass of whatever is in their hands is perfectly appropriate.

Stephen Devries via Southern Weddings

Now, as promised, our top ten tips for toasting!

Do you have anything to add to our list? What made the best toast you’ve ever heard so great? Brides, are you planning to speak at your own wedding? Comment below and let us know!

Yesterday’s lovely bridal shower inspiration inspired me to dust off one of my favorite Southern Weddings features: our Southern Etiquette column!

I had just the query, one that came in from a lovely mother of the bride (oh, how we love that mothers read our blog, too!). Here it is:

Hello, Emily,

I read your post about not inviting people to showers who are not invited to weddings, which agrees with my personal opinion and everything else I find on the same topic, but I want to ask the same question again with my own twist, as I am not completely sure if this principle applies in every situation.

My daughter is newly engaged to a boy who grew up in the small town to which we moved about four years ago. His parents grew up here, as well. The moment their engagement was made public, several women at our mutual church volunteered to be shower hostesses, which is a part of the local generous Southern tradition.

Between the couple, they have over 80 family members who will be invited to the wedding. This includes siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. They want to limit the wedding to that group and a dozen or so close friends, most of whom will be members of the wedding party.

Should my daughter decline the offers of these women to host a shower, since they will not be invited to the wedding? The groom’s mother feels that the appropriate solution is to have a 300 – 400 person guest list, including people neither the bride nor groom really know, but this is not only outside the limits of our financial ability, it is also not what the bride and groom want for their special day.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this matter!

Mother-of-the-Bride

A perfectly Southern table setting, courtesy of Katie Rivers

I think the dilemma of the “church shower” is both very common and uniquely Southern (i.e. I had never heard of this predicament before I moved South, but have since heard of it several times!). A strong church family is such a wonderful thing to have in your life, but it can make things like shower and wedding guest list planning complicated. Hence, why most Southerners don’t bat an eyelash upon hearing about a 400, 500, or 600 person guest list!

However, a monster guest list is not the solution for every bride, and does not sound like the solution in this case. So, if inviting the church ladies to the wedding and allowing them to host a shower is not the answer, what is?

I think the first step is to make it clear to the would-be hostesses that the couple is planning a small wedding and that a traditional shower might not be the most appropriate choice (while you’re at it, get the MOG on board, too, so she can help spread the word discreetly!).

If they still insist on hosting an event, I actually think that’s just fine, and a lovely gesture. I’m sure it’s one borne out of genuine love for the bride and groom! However, I would guide them towards calling it something besides a “bridal shower” — perhaps a “luncheon in honor of the bride” or a “meet the bride breakfast.” I would also insist on no gifts, and make sure that that’s clearly printed in the invitation. That way, the focus will be on surrounding the bride with love and support, and the risk for hurt feelings should be greatly minimized!

Ladies, I would LOVE to hear what y’all think – is this a situation you’ve run up against? What would you do if you were faced with this situation? Would you allow a traditional shower to be held, take a middle road like I’ve suggested, or insist on none at all? I would LOVE to hear your thoughts!

P.S. Have a etiquette query of your own? Feel free to shoot me an email!

P.P.S. Past etiquette conundrums:
Tipping wedding vendors
Wedding rings for men
Formal invitations – necessary?
Clapping at the recessional

Our friend Katie, from the popular blog Marriage Confessions, drops by twice a month to share her take on Southern married life. We hope you enjoy, and be sure to visit her at her blog for regular doses of humor and adorable-ness!

I made a “to do” list a few weeks ago. I needed to go grocery shopping, finish grading a test my students took this week, send a thank you note to a kind friend, remember to take my son’s nap blanket to his daycare, clean the melted crayon out of my dryer, and register for a 5k I want to run next month before the fee goes up. Typical Wednesday night things to do.

But when my husband came home from work that night, my plans changed. He’d had a really rough day. He’d had to fire an old college friend who just wasn’t cutting it at work. He had known it was coming. He’d been preparing the paperwork and preparing for the “we have to let you go” meeting. But he hadn’t prepared for the long drive home after the meeting, when he would be along with his thoughts for the first time all day. It was a long drive home, he said.

He helped me feed the kids and we both gave them baths together, and I think that was good for his heart. I cleaned up the dinner mess while he read bedtime books and tucked the kids in bed, making sure bunnies and Mr. Bears were in the appropriate arms before kissing them and turning out the light. And I think that was good for his soul.

By the time he came downstairs, he looked a little better. He opened a beer for us to share while he sat at the kitchen table watching me cook our dinner – his favorite, steaks and potatoes, a last minute change from my carefully planned weekly menu, because he looked like he could use a favorite.

As I moved easily around the kitchen, he told me about his day. About the terrible meeting where he’d let her go, about how hard it is to be the boss, about how he worried what this would do to the morale of the rest of the staff, about how guilty he felt. I really didn’t have to say too much. I knew he just needed someone to talk to, someone who loved him no matter what decisions he had to make. I offered a few words of encouragement, reminded him how proud I was of him for being such a kind person who even has these moments of doubt, but mostly, I was just there with him.

After dinner, we moved to the back deck and sat on our steps, talking about the kids and the upcoming visit from the Easter Bunny. I told him about a book I was reading, and he told me about a new kind of pool pump he thought we should get. We sat outside for an hour before we headed up to bed. Before he fell asleep, he told me he felt better and knew that he would sleep soundly. Before I fell asleep, my mind went back to my to do list, sitting on the kitchen counter, untouched all night. There wasn’t anything on that list that couldn’t wait, I decided, and I, too, slept soundly.

In the eight years that I have been married, I have learned that best laid plans are often set aside for the sake of my marriage. And I’ve learned that when I put other things before the needs of my husband and our relationship, everything just kind of falls apart.

At the core of everything in my life, there is my faith and there is my husband. I have other obligations, other priorities, other responsibilities, of course. But my marriage always comes first. It is the foundation on which everything else is built. I don’t feel bad when I put everything aside to sit and hold my husband’s hand. I don’t feel bad when I we occasionally get a sitter for the kids and have a date night. I don’t feel bad when I cancel other plans because I haven’t had a night at home with Chris in over a week. I don’t feel bad because I know that when my marriage is happy, everything else in my life is better.

We make time for the things that are important in our lives. I encourage you to make time for your marriage. Making your marriage a priority not only builds a solid foundation for your relationship, but it says to your spouse, “You are more important to me than anything else.” Love is strengthened over bathtubs full of kids, shared beers, and back deck conversations, I promise you.

Make your marriage a priority. If you don’t, who will?

See more from this lovely engagement session by Paige Elizabeth in its Facebook Friday album!

Hi ladies + gents! It seems like almost as soon as I finish writing one “Emily Plans a Wedding” post, the next one is on my doorstep (even though they’re scheduled two weeks apart – yikes!). Time marches on, does it not?

Yesterday, I was SO excited to skip out on work early to drive out to Nitsa’s in Winston-Salem and try on my dress for my first fitting!! My Mom was able to come, even though she lives in Connecticut, and we had a great time together. I still love my dress (whew!), it fit well (double whew!), and the only alterations that are needed are a hem, a (13-point!) bustle, and cups (of course).

BUT we’re actually not talking about my wedding fashion today, we’re talking about John’s! John will be wearing a tux, a decision he made on his own but that I was perfectly amenable to. I think he looks handsome in anything, but I would concede that he looks particularly debonair in a tuxedo, as do most gents.

A Bryan Photo

As soon as we knew he would be wearing a tuxedo, we knew we would be buying, and not renting. There were a few reasons for this:

1. He has to wear a tuxedo for two weddings this summer, and likely more in the future, so it made sense for us financially.
2. A great fit was very important to us, and you can’t tailor a rental. Grooms in baggy tuxedo pants make me sad!
3. We had a specific style of tuxedo in mind, and we didn’t think we’d find it at a rental shop.

Ashley McCormick via Southern Weddings

As I mentioned, we had a specific tuxedo aesthetic we were going for, and it was largely based off of two things: the J.Crew tuxedo (which is very sharp, but very expensive), and this handy New York Times graphic which has been floating around Pinterest.

Our first choice was in the lapel style. There are three options: shawl, peak, and notch. Shawl is the most old-school, while notch is more understated and business-like. We went for peak.

Top two images are shawl collar tuxedos from Katharine’s wedding by A Bryan Photo. Below, on the left is a peak lapel (photo by A Bryan Photo), and on the right is a notch lapel tuxedo (photo by Adam Barnes via Southern Weddings)

We were also looking for a two-button jacket and a shirt with a point collar.

For accessories, we vetoed both vests and cummerbunds in favor of suspenders for a more clean, modern, and fuss-free look. And all you Southern ladies will be pleased to know that John will be tying his own black bow tie! (Well, maybe with some help from Dad… or this handy SW graphic!)

Amanda Rae Photography via Style Me Pretty and A Bryan Photo

So we knew what we wanted, but not where to find it. Enter Marget’s fiance, who wears tuxedos frequently for work (fancy!) and is something of an expert. He recommended the Tommy Hilfiger tuxedos at Macy’s as a reasonably-priced option of good quality. On the day we cruised over to the Macy’s site to check things out, the tuxedo that caught our eye just so happened to be 66% off! With free shipping and free returns, we didn’t hesitate to snap one up in John’s size. For those that are curious, we bought this jacket and these pants, and this shirt. We’re still on the hunt for the perfect bow tie, suspenders, and shoes!

Jessica Lorren

So we have a tux – yahoo! Now all that’s left is to get it tailored, and to add a little personalization. Who says belles are the only ones who get to have fun with embroidery and monogramming? We haven’t decided yet exactly how we’ll add some pizazz, but embroidering the inside of the jacket is at the top of my list:

Lisa Poggi

What will your groom be wearing on his wedding day? If he’s wearing a tuxedo, which lapel style did you choose? Will you be renting or buying? Please comment + let me know!

In case you missed a post…
The main characters
Where we’re getting married
I go dress shopping
We choose a photographer
I ponder bridesmaid style
Mini food!
The music
We’re renting a tent!
We discuss bouquets + boutonnieres
We send out our save the dates
I gather hair and makeup inspiration
We talk cake and sweets
I introduce you to our videographer
We create a registry

P.S. If you like this post, check out these other ones, too!
What to wear to a black tie wedding as a guest
Our menswear favorites from 2011
An overview of wedding menswear options
How about tuxedos with navy dresses?

Adam Barnes and Jessica Lorren are fabulous members of our Blue Ribbon Vendor Directory!